Oh, Donald.

I feel like a lot of comedians now a days just hate on donald trump. Well… that’s exactly what I’m going to do, just the sheer fact that he even got into office just makes me angry. The weirdest thing I find about him besides his skin tone… and hair… and use of the english language… is his hands. For someone with hands that small he does so many things, none good, literally just the other day I was just going about my daily life, I was on facebook, now I don’t know why I was on facebook but I was and on facebook there was this press conference, it was a video of the Jim Acosta video where he allegedly karate chopped this girl. I was so surprised about how he handled things. Like if I were to just be that blunt in life and be downright mean I would end up homeless. How the fuck did that man get into office like that, for real, when someone asks me a question if i did what he did I would get the shit beaten out of me, I guess that shows the amount of power money gives but like damn. That be unfair. And have y’all read that article in New York times that talked about how there are people in the white house that manipulate what gets on his desk as a form of damage control? I wish I had someone who could do that for me. Damn, if I had that my life would be great. I would be about ot do something bad and someone would just walk up take whatever I’m about to do, most of the time my phone, and be like yeet, and throw it out of my reach, my life would be easy. Yet somehow he still manages to piss everyone in America off. Like there are 300 million people in America and whenever I meet someone that agrees with all his actions I actually have respect for that. Like that’s hard, how can you even agree with what he does and sleep at night. Damn, how does he sleep at night. I bed that Meliana wakes up in the middle of the night just to hear Donald asleep snoring like, “ *inhale* death to all minorities *inhale* No more immigrants” I would get the hell out of there Melania because one day you’ll piss him off and the next you’ll be in Slovenia.

I’m in debate, and part of being in debate is you have to do this thing called Extemp. Extemp is a thing where you go to a big room and draw three questions out of an envelope, you pick one and you have 30 mins to prepare a 7 minute speech and also memorize it. A while ago I actually went to a tournament and the question I chose was “Will Donald Trump win reelection in 2020” I looked at it, thought about it. And let me tell you I thought about every way you could say Yes to that question but I just couldn’t do it. I tried I really did, but then I looked at his approval rating and that shocked me. It was 39% on average since his election.  39% of Americans. I have a question, How? I remember a while ago a reporter in an interview asked him if he could go back and change one thing what it would be and he responded with, “Not to run for presidency” People please. Whoever is making these questions. Don’t ask me things that the big man himself has already answered, because I’m bad at debate, I really am. And that speech was god awful. I’ll tell you why though, it’s because I thought of so many reasons he wouldn’t win that I couldn’t write and prove all of them. But it’s fine though my judge kind of looked at me funny though when I said I only had two main points, because you’re supposed to have three. But understand that I don’t need three points in a bullshit speech to prove the obvious.

Heh, what makes me laugh every time is when he gets angry when we talk about his hands. Like they’re 7 and a quarter inches long, which is slightly below average, which I mean isn’t bad but it makes him so angry that we couldn’t stop now. What amazes me is the things he can do with his hands. He learned to actually write for himself. Which is entirely a bad thing, like who let him write executive orders, how does he even know about those, he isn’t supposed to, White House people, you’re supposed to be keeping him in check. He has written 88 executive orders, 88! That’s actually not a lot, Obama wrote like 270, but 88 is too much for him. And I really enjoy the people who want to impeach him, because I don’t think they realize how much worse Mike Pence would be than the orange man. I am 100% sure that Donald Trump did that on purpose, the second he ran for president and heard all of his criticism I bet he was like shit I gotta put safeguards in place for this, “miss receptionist lady, yes you, call Mike Pence I have a proposal for him.” Dialing Mike Pence picks up the phone, “Yes donald” “hey so Iḿ gonna run for president and I need you so they won’t impeach me”  “Hmm… let me look at my schedule… yeah that can wait let’s get this bread”

Thank you, Eli Robinson

Wise Words From a Teenager

So I’m 15, which basically means that I think I know what I’m talking about when most of the time I actually don’t, but sometimes… sometimes I do know what I am talking about. Most of my life I spent outside of a bubble that now I am currently in. I was born in Arlington Texas, the town where Dallas but all of their big tourist attractions because they couldn’t pay to put them in Dallas, yeah that one. I moved to the affordable and more safe version of Austin called Cedar Park when I was 5, now, people say that you don’t remember things until you’re like 6. That’s a lie, I actually remember a lot from my old house, like the only time I ever whistled. I can’t whistle, I’ve tried, it’s just too difficult for me to manage; however when I was 4, I did something, I don’t remember what I did, but I was in timeout. And I was mad, so in a protest I spit my tongue at my dad, and I whistled. I don’t know how or even if that’s possible, but I swear to you, it happened. I went to this elementary school called Deer Creek at first, it was pretty fun, I’m pretty sure I was bullied there but I was a little prick back then so I probably did something to piss my perpetrators off, but when I ended first grade my Dad was like, “I’m sick of this driving shit” and he moved me into the district he was working in, the one I’m in now. He moved me to good cellular service elementary. Or LTE for those who don’t have AT&T. Those years were pretty fun, they are a blur though; however I spent a lot of time there. Because my dad was an AP at the high school he couldn’t pick me up until 6 every night and I spent my summers at this thing called Summer Squires, because I was supposedly, “Too young to be home alone all day” whatever that means. It was pretty fun, I met some people that I still hangout with. Most of those friendships just happened by chance and just happened to be really good people. Except for that one kid, he was an asshole, but everyone else was great. Then I went to Middle School, the step brother of the district, Hudson Bend. At the time my dad moved there and he was the principal. But I’m getting ahead of myself, the summer before I, “Graduated and was about to start the next chapter of my life” My parents finally split up, and when I say finally I mean that everyone saw it coming, including me. Who by the way was like 10 okay, and I realized this when I was 8. Listen for all Parents, if you’re 8 year old knows that you need a divorce, get a divorce, sticking together will only make things worse for all parties, especially your 8 year old. But anyways, that summer she moved in the bubble, but also the least bubbly part of the bubble, the ‘ghetto of Lakeway’ by ghetto of lakeway I just mean that it’s not as rich as any of the other parts of Lakeway, and for all of the racist people out there, its where the mexicans live, which to the recist people of Lakeway, makes it automatically a ghetto. Middle School was a blur, most of it involved me fucking up and teaching myself a lesson in being a better person. After 3 long hard years in that fiery forge I was ready for high school, for middle school forged me into the person that is speaking to you today. Actually most of that came from my freshman year, where everything changed, but the foundation was set in middle school. Being a teenager is the weirdest thing. Because legally we aren’t allowed to do anything, but we are still treated and expected to behave like adults. Especially 15 year olds, because we are allowed to work, not allowed to drive, expected to be making money, and when we try to get our parents to drive us they get annoyed. Teenagers are also old enough to know when something is fucked up but we can’t do anything about it, think about it. By your teen years you should know your parents fairly well, and the majority of the time they aren’t great people. Instead of being able to leave, which people would, we are forced to stick with it until we turn 18 because legally we can’t leave without their consent, can’t fix them because they won’t listen to teens because they think we know nothing, and expected to know how to fix it or not let it affect us. People may say, “Oh you can go into foster care” I don’t know who would say that because everyone in  America should know how fucked up the system is, but if they said that, The System is worse than bad parents. Now I may be 15, but I know a lot about how the world works and the sad part is I can’t do anything for 3 years because no one takes teenagers seriously, so parents, if you’re reading this, whoever you are. Take your child as a force to be reckoned with because if you don’t they will fuck you over once they turn 18.

Thank You.

Being funny on command is hard, if you try to be funny I find that you will draw a blank. There is a balance of trying and being relaxed that truly makes a great comedian. If I were to do this all again I would have been loose from the start instead of pointlessly stressing about it because that only makes you less funny, which is net bad for stand up comedy. Overall I learned how to talk about heated issues in a way that only lightly offends everyone. And I found my voice when it comes to controversial issues that threaten America.

Being a jew in Lakeway can be quite perilous especially in this day and age. In a world where Donald Trump tries to sway voters by putting fear into their hearts about immigration rather than focusing on how good the economy is right now. And the democrats are so focused on re-taking the House that they don’t know how to work together on taking Trump down; moreover the president of the United States is inciting violence in his supporters and causing destruction to the state he is supposed to be serving. And in the wake of all this, the Jews are in harm’s way. In the wake of all of this mayhem in the United States, the Jews reside. In a very small town in Texas called Lakeway, I live. Lakeway is a beautiful area with rolling hills that have been carved up by one highway that goes through the area, moreover the whole area was poorly built by rich people so there are shops and things that are right next to the highway, making the whole area very dangerous to drive. Anyways, I live in a small older home on the far side of town, before all of the chaos starts on the road, in an area that many people would consider the ‘hood of Lakeway’ however there is no ‘hood’ because the majority of the people that live there are very rich. My mom and I aren’t but we make do with what we have. Recently on the news there was a man who shot up a synagogue in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, while he was doing this he was shouting, “All Jews must die!” This man, like many others that have committed acts of violence in the United States was a White Nationalist Trump supporter. The area of which I live happens to be full of these crazed Trump supporters.

In the wake of Pittsburgh I went back to school as if it were a normal day. There are few Jews that go to my school so most people cannot relate to the specific ways the modern world treats Jews; however when I went to school in the wake of the shoot out no one cared. This is common for kids in Lakeway because normally the news isn’t debated in school due to an incident during the presidential campaign. There were two rallies, one for Trump and one for Bernie Sanders. Long story short it got heated and more or less became a hostile area. But even with that, a man shouting, “All Jews must die” while shooting up a synagogue should’ve gotten some attention in class or in the halls. Alas, the only class it was mentioned in was my debate class, and in that class there are two other Jews in my class and we talked about what happened and how bad that was. No other non-jew mentioned it. Later that day I was hanging out with some friends of mine and one of them asked me what was wrong, I responded asking them if they had seen what had been in the news recently and she said, “Yeah, something about a shoot up right? At a Temple right?” And I said, “Yeah, that’s what has me down.” She called me a liar. After that I thought that maybe it was like this everywhere, that the teenage population had become so desensitized to violence that they won’t even talk about it because it is just another day living in America. So I assumed it would be the same for my Jewish friends that live around Texas and go to different high schools.

Every Sunday I have Sunday School. Sunday School at my age is a place where we talk about what it means to be Jewish in this day and age. The week before my teacher showed us a picture of Brett Kavanaugh in a poster that wrote, “Every time some Anti-White, Anti-American, Anti-Freedom event takes place, you look at it, and it’s Jews behind it.” That day I was stunned that America had such a capacity to hate an entire group of people especially after all the historic persecution that has happened. Despite America advertising itself as a place of freedom where all of your dreams can come true, instead of embracing that and the people it attracts we choose to use them as a scapegoat for everything wrong in America, or we gas them at the border and tell them to leave. This class I was expecting everyone to have my story of their peers ignoring the news events in the world, but when we talked about it everyone said at least one person, friend or not, came up to them and apologized. I was happy and angry at the same time, because this meant that teens were still aware of the news and felt empathetic to their peers, empathetic enough to speak up and at least say sorry on behalf of America to the Jewish people. But it also made me sad because I realized that my school was either inactive in the news or agreed with what the man was saying, that all Jews must die. And if the latter were true, I had a great fear of what would happen to me and my people if people like that spread their ideas across the country.

I still go to the same school and am friends with the same people, while the majority of my school supports Trump and is probably more if not at least as racist as he is, there are a small number of people that go to my school that share my beliefs. And knowing that there are people who do know right from wrong brings me hope for the future, that change can occur and we will not be on the downward spiral of hate forever. While I spend most of my time trying to convince people that global warming is real and peaceful protesters do not deserve to get rammed with a car. When I tell my friends of my endeavors they are just as surprised as I am that those aren’t common facts or courtesies.

So far my favorite thing to write are jokes. I find that their humor not only makes us realize who we are but also make it seem more bearable. An example of a joke I would write is: Can you imagine what would happen to America if there was enough weed for everyone? The whole nation would smell dank, trying to drive anywhere would be a pain in the ass, and on top of that ordering food would take so long. You would go up to the register and say what you want and the person working register would just be like…………. uhh what was that again?

1. Trump’s physique and how his ‘big hands’ create bigly issues – really like this, interests basically everyone
2. Trump’s words on immigration and the humor of just how twisted they are
3. Fake News and how the general population can’t decide what a credible source is
4. Trump twinkie
5. People still think that global warming is fake and how awful that is
6. Judaism and common misconceptions
7. How jews actually run the media
8. Anti semitic views and how they really contradict
9. Weed and the potential to make or break america. – 
   controversial topic really good
10. The juul crisis and just how close Truth.com came to solving tobacco usage in america before vapes
11. Modern women (I know I’ll have to be careful when talking about the differences between women empowerment and women sexism)
12. How much it must suck to be a jock in America Skater b/c of culture war and fashion war
13. How someone has to monitor what Donald Trump does and does not do in the White House
14. The benefits of carrying random stuff in your backpack
15. The struggles of being a teen in america and having no one trust you.

Italicized are Eamon’s remarks